So life has been a little hectic since the New Year... or rather MORE HECTIC than usual. My poor kid has a crap immune system, he has the "trifecta" - allergies, asthma & eczema, so keeping him healthy this winter (if you can even use that word in FL this year without being lynched by an angry northerner) has been quite a job. While I am thankful not to have the ridiculous negative degree weather, I am so sick of going from 85 degrees one day to 45 the next... the heat is on at night, and the air is on midday. And it's really not an exaggeration! It's been raining a lot here too.
So far he's had an inner ear infection, coupled with a sinus infection, the flu, strep and now he's hacking and snotty AGAIN, and covered in a rash which his doctor tells me is viral. I am literally (all joking aside) on a first name basis with our pharmacist... And, in the process of trying some new natural remedies in hopes of giving my poor baby relief. We've been home a total of two and a half weeks since the new year started (no snow days here!)... down and out sick days - and it's only February. I'm thankful for laptop computers, otherwise, I fear I'd be out looking for another job.
Which brings me to my other stress - apparently, somewhere it is written that sick days are my responsibility. I think it comes from the fact that for the first 5 years of my son's life, I worked remotely & was able to be there at the house, for him when he needed it. However, I am only in my 7th month of my new job... and to be very honest, if it weren't for the fact that my boss is such a caring understanding person (and has a daughter going through her own divorced mommy hell) - I think I would be screwed. My son's father seems to think that his job is more important... because whenever I say "I can't stay home with him" I get the response "I can't either". And it frustrates the hell out of me! Firstly, just because it's selfish... you have a job that you have been with for at least 15 years... you should have quite the bank of personal time, but instead, just assume that I've got it covered, that I'll take care of it. The other part is the part where my friends tell me to stop "enabling" him... I have a sick & miserable kid. The last thing I want to do is pick a fight with his father on who will take care of him and stress my son out. Let's face it, we all want our Mommy when we feel like crap!
The reality is that there are a few things going on here. My son was having a terrible time in school for a few months, and it was discovered that he has an attention deficit. So we've been taking him to a behavioral therapist to try and help him to work on this. Because of this challenge, he was having problems keeping up with his class. Combine this with the fact that he's out a lot due to his immune system, this is a set up for failure. My son's father (who cannot take him to Dr appointments, or stay home with him when he is sick) loves to take him to Disney, run him around all day, stay up late, make a weekend out of it... and then when he's brought back home to me... he's sick. Again. Daddy's house is also, a "homework free zone". So what do you do with all of that?! I can't fight it, because as he sent ever so sweetly told me in a text message, "it's none of my business what he does with my son during his time sharing." I have no control over what is or is not done when he is at his fathers. My therapist told me this before I got divorced... that I needed to be prepared for that part. But how do you?
So for my time with my son... I am the "mean one" - or as my ex-husband tells me, my son says "I make him do stuff " ...isn't that my job?! Aren't I supposed to be the one that shows him what is right and wrong? One of my friends made a comment to me "you are the one to get him ready to let him go out into the world". I'm the one that wipes the snotty nose, gives the medicine, and breathing treatments, keeps him in when the pollen count is too high, puts the cream on his itchies, makes him eat vegetables, clean his room, does his homework with him & tells him when he's "being a real buster" (my favorite word). We even do the homework ahead of time for the evenings he's at his Dad's (he's actually gotten infractions for his father not reading all of the directions or signing off on his homework). And I am bitter... I could lie, and try to minimize it, but I am. Just because you don't have your child full time, does not mean you should get to shirk your responsibilities as a parent and just do whatever. When your child has such a fragile immune system, you don't run him off to Disney Word every chance you get! What you are doing is setting him up for failure!
I have to believe (for my own sanity's sake) at some point, my son will grow tired of playing Disney XFinity all day and the constant trips to Disney... that he'll outgrow it. I have to stop trying to put those expectations on his father, because this is who he is. I have to figure out a way to let it go and not allow it to affect my house...
My hope for my son is that he will see what is important and evolve into a smart, responsible young man. As for the "letting him go" part... I plan on retiring once he starts college anyway... so I can be mobile. :)
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
New Year Resolved!
The holidays are over, and another year has begun. Tonight I was out to dinner with my best friend, and the discussion of resolutions came up. Every year it seems like I put so much pressure on myself only to feel like a complete failure when things don't necessarily go as planned. So this year, I decided to be realistic. I won't lie, part of it is a bit superstitious... I have the thought that if I don't lay the plans out in stone, then I cannot be disappointed & self loathing. Hopefully this works!
Every year, we say "thank GOD 20** is over! This year was awful! Next year HAS to be better" Maybe, we put so much into the expectations of the following year, that we actually sabotage ourselves before it begins without realizing it. Lately it seems (and I am sure the current state of the US has much to do with this, but I won't be climbing onto that soap box today) that everyone I know is going through something really tough, and when you think that's over, something even tougher is on the other side waiting! So maybe we shouldn't set our expectations to makeevery wrong right in the beginning of the new year, or even by the end of the year. What if, we just decide to start moving in a different direction? Just change something small? Maybe instead of taking on so much, just try to view your life from a different angle. Try to add a little happiness along the way? I've learned in the last 4 years, that things aren't nearly what they seem A LOT of the time, and sometimes we just need a little perspective.
4 years ago, I was sick with worry over my impending divorce, and the idea of shared parenting of my 2 year old son. I was so upset that I barely slept, and would lie awake sick and sobbing over what could become of my life. What I had built up or spun out in my head, was nothing like what actually happened. And while it was a very hard part of my life & at the time, very stressful, what came from it, was a good thing. I discovered in that time who I was, what I could accomplish on my own, and empowered myself! At the time, I let it consume me, the fear... I was allowing all that crap into my head. I just needed to see it from the outside, and listen to the people I had in my corner. I see friends going through it now, and I wish I had a magic remote, so I could fast forward and show them, it all works out! It might not be exactly as you plan, but it works out. A long time ago a friend of mine shared some wise words that I remind myself often "we really have no choice but to let things unfold as they are meant to".
Isn't it kind of funny, that we expect troubles to be resolved because it's the beginning of a new year? What if, instead we just decided to look at things a little differently? Yes, I've gained a lot of weight in the last year... and I'm unhappy... and I could say "this year, I am going to the gym everyday, I am cutting out ALL carbs & I will never eat another sweet!" But if I do that, the first time I miss the gym, or scarf down a noodle, I will hate myself. I will be hard on myself for not keeping a commitment... so I will say this. I am going to continue making small changes to keep healthy & happy. I am going to work on paying more attention to my son and less attention to the text/email notifications, I'd like to learn how to knit, and take my boys (my son and our dog) on walks after dinner, and I'm not going to allow the fear of failure in. That is my commitment to myself in 2014.
Every year, we say "thank GOD 20** is over! This year was awful! Next year HAS to be better" Maybe, we put so much into the expectations of the following year, that we actually sabotage ourselves before it begins without realizing it. Lately it seems (and I am sure the current state of the US has much to do with this, but I won't be climbing onto that soap box today) that everyone I know is going through something really tough, and when you think that's over, something even tougher is on the other side waiting! So maybe we shouldn't set our expectations to makeevery wrong right in the beginning of the new year, or even by the end of the year. What if, we just decide to start moving in a different direction? Just change something small? Maybe instead of taking on so much, just try to view your life from a different angle. Try to add a little happiness along the way? I've learned in the last 4 years, that things aren't nearly what they seem A LOT of the time, and sometimes we just need a little perspective.
4 years ago, I was sick with worry over my impending divorce, and the idea of shared parenting of my 2 year old son. I was so upset that I barely slept, and would lie awake sick and sobbing over what could become of my life. What I had built up or spun out in my head, was nothing like what actually happened. And while it was a very hard part of my life & at the time, very stressful, what came from it, was a good thing. I discovered in that time who I was, what I could accomplish on my own, and empowered myself! At the time, I let it consume me, the fear... I was allowing all that crap into my head. I just needed to see it from the outside, and listen to the people I had in my corner. I see friends going through it now, and I wish I had a magic remote, so I could fast forward and show them, it all works out! It might not be exactly as you plan, but it works out. A long time ago a friend of mine shared some wise words that I remind myself often "we really have no choice but to let things unfold as they are meant to".
Isn't it kind of funny, that we expect troubles to be resolved because it's the beginning of a new year? What if, instead we just decided to look at things a little differently? Yes, I've gained a lot of weight in the last year... and I'm unhappy... and I could say "this year, I am going to the gym everyday, I am cutting out ALL carbs & I will never eat another sweet!" But if I do that, the first time I miss the gym, or scarf down a noodle, I will hate myself. I will be hard on myself for not keeping a commitment... so I will say this. I am going to continue making small changes to keep healthy & happy. I am going to work on paying more attention to my son and less attention to the text/email notifications, I'd like to learn how to knit, and take my boys (my son and our dog) on walks after dinner, and I'm not going to allow the fear of failure in. That is my commitment to myself in 2014.
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