When you've had enough...

There are days, that I just want to wave the white flag and say "I give!!" I won't lie, it would be nice to have another person around to be swapped out once in a while, and let them take over. Like a sports player... "she looks exhausted, lets start the 2nd string"...

Some nights, after I finally get my little guy off to bed, I find myself depressed just by the state of the house. We literally get home, I get dinner together for us while he showers, he gets his pjs on, we eat, he does his homework, we go over our sight words, we read our books, if I'm lucky we have a little time to goof with each other before tucking him in, then I'm grabbing laundry out of one of the machines, cleaning up from dinner, packing a lunch, making my coffee for the next morning, lay out his clothes, my clothes, scoop the kitty box, let the dog out, make sure everyone has water in their bowls, brush my teeth and it's off to bed, only to get up and start the insanity all over. Up until this past March, I worked remotely from a home office. I loved it. I had plenty of time to chat with my son over breakfast (which I actually cooked every morning), he had time to eat leisurely and watch a little Mickey Mouse Clubhouse while I put his lunch together and sipped on my coffee. Heading to school wasn't a mad dash, and everyone had a smile to start the day.

I started my current job in an office clear across town two weeks before my darling little boy started kindergarten. SOOO... here we were faced with getting onto a strict schedule - the two of us. As my friends know, I am not the most punctual person... in fact, I don't think that word and my name have EVER been used in the same sentence. It's not that I don't want to be on time... in fact, I really hate that I am so late to everything, it's more to do with the fact that I have a severe case of A.D.D. and with a kid in the mix, I'm hopeless! I start one task only to be distracted by another and then there's a ball being thrown in the house, something breaks, something spills, there's crying, and well, that's it. I'm screwed!! Whatever it is, it's just added an extra 10 minutes to the already tight schedule we have, and this is how our day starts!

Another schedule damning fact: my sweet boy is a sleeper. He slept like a teenager when he was a toddler, we really are two ends working against the middle! We were very lucky that got into a fundamental elementary school, but now, there is even more pressure to get to school on time. While I am very grateful that we got into our first choice school, this also means MORE INSANITY... because mornings just aren't pretty around here. I try, and he tries too, but at some point someone is getting upset because they're not getting their way. And the really bad days... those are the mind f'rs. You're angry, they're upset, and then after you drop them off, half way to work, that horrible little voice in the back of your head says "You are such a crappy mom!" and you start second guessing yourself and feeling bad for starting the day off on such a bad note. It's very frustrating, and exhausting & I'm pretty sure my neighbors (though they swear they don't hear me) know exactly what time it is everyday by hearing me each morning: "Get in the car,...Please... get into the car...I AM NOT PLAYING WITH YOU - GET INTO THE CAR... NOW!"

We pretty much have the same exchange when we get home... "Get in the house, get your homework out..." And while I know it's the responsibilities of a good parent, I also secretly hate it, because I don't have the opportunity to be "the fun one". It's just me, and I need to get it all done. I love my son, I think I've already established that, I just get that same guilty feeling when he's off to bed... the one I get when I drop him at school. I want to play hookie! I want to scoop him away from the homework, and the bath & dinner and play with him on the swings... or throw a ball back and forth in the yard, but I can't be in two places at the same time, and this is my frustration. And as illogical as it is, it is also my guilt. It's impossible, but I feel bad for not being able to cook dinner and play with him at the same time. To not be able to give him a bath while washing the dishes & cleaning up the table before starting homework. To not have as much time to just sit with him and enjoy his presence. But I have a feeling, regardless of my marital status that I would have this guilt. There just aren't enough hours in the day for a working mom.  So I lay in bed... after a full day, feeling bad because my house is a mess, there are clothes in the dryer, there are dishes in the dishwasher... the bathroom needs a good scrubbing... the flower bed is just a place for weeds to flourish and the dog could really use a bath and hoping that I can get to it all tomorrow... or at least that's what I tell myself, so that I can get some sleep.